If I could write about Twilight in English
by Popular Galinda
Summary: I like Twilight but some of it is VERY anti-twilight. If you don't like me ranting on how much i 'hate' edward cullen then I suggest you dont read it! :
1. The Speech

**I was watching South Park when I thought of this. I have had this argument before with other Twilight fans but I have to say, I'm right. Look at the deviantart works that support Edward Cullen being a ginger kid. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with this. It's a complete joke and if more than this offends more then 5 times, I will take it down. xoxo Popular Galinda**

"And that is how the characters in Lord of the Rings reflect our society." Annie finished flashing a smile at Mr Dick. Mr Dick snapped back into reality from his daydream and put an A next to her name on the list. Then he looked down the list and said my name.

"Miss Lydia Coleman." He said turning around to face me. "You're up."

"Okay." I said getting up from my sit and making my way towards the front of the class.

"Hello class and Dick. My topic for this afternoon is: Is Edward Cullen a Ginger Kid?" I announced to the class. Everyone laughed and some girls pouting saying that Edward isn't a red head.

"Ginger kids are all around us. We see them on the streets, in the park, at the shops and we can't help but stare at these poor kids who look hideous. We are disgusted by their looks. I am talking about ginger kids."

"Damn right!" Called out Mickey.

"Also, vampires are the latest tend. We see those twilight fans, skipping around, talking about whom their favourite characters are and having sexual thoughts about Edward. Unlike myself, where I daydream about Jasper." I couldn't help but drift off into my own dreamland.

"Get back to the topic Miss Cleman." Mr Dick said.

"Right-o sir!" I saluted him. "You're probably wondering why I'm talking about these two different subjects. Because I believe that Edward Cullen is a ginger kid."

"Edward Cullen isn't a ginger kid!" Brandy declared.

"I'm talking here!" I shouted back. "As I was saying, Edward Cullen is a ginger kid. And I have three reasons why he is a ginger kid. Number 1: Ginger kids are freakishly pale. Edward Cullen is a vampire and vampires are pale."

"I agree!" My best friend, Amy stood up and raised her fist in the air. "He's pale!"

"Number 2: Ginger kids cannot go into the sun. Edward Cullen cannot go into the sun because when he does he sparkles like a gay disco ball like at those crappy disco they hold down at Myriad Plaza every Thursday night."

No one interrupted me this time. Meaning they all agrees or they couldn't be fucked saying anything to change my topic.

"And finally, number 3: Ginger kids have no soul." I turned to our only red head in the class. "You're a day walker, not a ginger kid. Day walkers have a soul."

"Yay! I'm a day walker!" The red head said. Stupid red head should have been blonde.

"Vampires have no soul. Therefore Edward Cullen is in fact a ginger kid." I concluded. Misty, our class dumb blonde stood up and began abusing my speech, which was totally awesome.

"Edward Cullen isn't a ginger kid! Yes, he has pale skin, yes, he has no soul but he does not have red hair!" She shouted at me. "It is described as chestnut!"

"I was getting to that, Misty." I spat her name. "Meyer has actually constructed Edward to be a ginger kid by saying he had chestnut hair. Chestnut hair is light reddish brown colour, here is a picture of chestnut hair if you don't believe me."

I pulled out a large photo and stuck it on the white board. "Thus, Edward Cullen is a ginger kid."

"Lydia, I give you an F because your question was, how do characters in fictional stories reflect our society. Not, is Edward Cullen a ginger kid." Mr Dick said to me. "If the question was that, then I would give you an A but you failed to give me the question. Now take a seat."

I skipped to my table and sat down next to Mickey. He leaned over to me and whispered. "Cullen is a ginger kid, why do girls love him so much?"

"Because they love anyway that Rob Pattinson plays in films. Remember Cedric from Harry Potter?"

"Oh yeah. At least you're not one of those Edward lovers." He said. I turned and grinned at him.

"Nope! I wanna have a threesome with Emmett and Jasper!"

The End

Review please


	2. The Essay

**An Essay about Edward Cullen. I actually handed this to my friend (who is anti twilight) and she pissed herself laughing and saying how true everything was. I'm sorry if I offend anyone and I don't own the Twilight Saga. If I did I wouldn't have written Breaking Dawn. **

**Popular Galinda**

Twilight (2005) written by Stephanie Meyer is extremely popular with today's teenage girls and women of society. All over the globe women (mainly teens) have hormonally dreams about the perfect vampire boyfriend, Edward Cullen. With his good looks, rich family and charms any woman who meets him falls in love with him. According to magazines Edward Cullen is the definition of 'perfect'. However, is Edward Cullen really that perfect? Not everyone can be perfect in every single way. I believe that Edward Cullen does have some bad qualities. Edward Cullen is a vampire, a fictional character, a red head and maybe gay. So is Edward Cullen really that perfect?

Edward Cullen is a vampire in the saga _Twilight_. Meyer tells the readers that vampires are extremely pale, sparkle in the sunlight, have super model looks and are extremely rich. However, Meyer has bad qualities in all the other vampires expect the dream boy, Edward. Unfortunately Edward Cullen is a vampire, making him a 'sucker' when it comes to blood. So unless or super plain like Bella Swan (Edward's girlfriend that fans of the novel envy) then Edward would be drinking your blood. Edward Cullen is a vampire and having a vampire as a boyfriend is the stupidest thing in the world.

Teenage girls and women are obsessing over Edward Cullen who is the dream boyfriend. Unfortunately want most of these fans don't understand is that Edward Cullen is a fictional character. Women believe that their boyfriends should be as perfect as the fictional Edward Cullen. Well, ladies, I have to break it to you but Edward Cullen is a fictional character, he will always be a fictional character and even though Robert Pattinson portrays him in the film not everyone can be his 'lover'.

Reason number 3 why Edward Cullen isn't completely perfect. He is a red hair. The book does describe his hair to be bronze or chestnut brown but if you research that colour into you would get images or dark red and Edward Cullen. In society people sometimes discriminate against people that have red hair by calling them 'rangas' or 'tomato sauce' or my personal favourite 'ginger kids. Even Eric Cartman, from the rude animation, South Park, believes that ginger kids have no souls. Edward Cullen is a vampire and I believe vampires have no souls so Edward Cullen is a no soul ginger kid. Readers would argue that his hair is not red but it really is a dark red almost light brown that looks disgusting.

Edward Cullen may be perfect to everyone, but do we want perfect? Women may say that Edward Cullen is supposed to be the definition of perfect. When a straight teenage boy is too perfect I think either he is only perfect towards his loved ones or just simply gay. I am not homophobic or stereotypical but Edward Cullen is just too damn perfect even for a vampire! So he must be gay! However, this is from my own context and many fans would disagree with me and said Jacob Black is the bisexual character.

Twilight is a popular book for all teenage girls. Mainly because every girl just wants their own Edward Cullen or Jacob Black or in my case, Emmett or Jasper. Edward Cullen is a fictional character, a vampire and a ginger kid. Even if Edward Cullen was real he only dates stupid mary-sues like Bella Swan.

I would also like to add that Rosalie is awesome because she is a bitch to Bella because Bella is an airhead!

**PS: Mike Newton's next log is coming soon!**

**PPS: Leave a review!!! **


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